From time to time, throughout our tragically underemployed days, we find a few minutes (or hours) to ponder things that don’t really matter to other people. Oh, sure. Everyone wonders whatever happened to someone they used to see on TV or in a film or on the radio when years have passed and that person’s career has become a non-entity. But does anyone go several steps further and try to figure out how to get that C-lister or one-hit wonder back on the right track?

Don’t worry. We’re here to do it for you. Feministdonut and SLB: spending their time frivolously so you don’t have to.

Upon seeing Clueless “star” Brittany Murphy on People.com today, we traveled down the following road, looking for the poor girl’s answer to recovery:

SLB: Okay, see… Brittany Murphy? That’s a problem.

Feministdonut: Wow. She looks really baaaaad.

SLB: She’s completely anorexic.

Feministdonut: Yeah.

SLB: Her face is ruined and her hair has been bothering me for like 12 years.

FD: LOL. Yeah.

SLB: I really used to like her, too. I mean, still do.

FD: Yeah. She’s Luanne, man. What’s not to like?

SLB: It’d just be nice if she put on 15 lbs.

FD: Yeah. She needs weight. Girl looks better with some meat on her. And she needs to lose the awful blonde hair. It washes her out.

SLB: And the ratty extensions. Clearly, her real hair length is at the chin.

FD: She needs a romp out in the sun. Girl’s lookin’ like a vampire.

SLB: What can we suggest as treatment?

FD: Not orange suntan spray, that’s for sure. I hate the orangeness of celebs these days!

SLB: Also: stay away from any pant that accentuates how unnaturally small those thighs are.

FD: Seriously. And get a better bra. Her boobs are looking kinda weird in this Sundance pic… too high or something.

SLB: Oh, and this may be sort of a wacky suggestion–one that flies in the face of all popular career-rehabbing medicines, but… I think she should break up with that husband she has and marry Elijah Wood for a while.

FD: LOL!

SLB: I saw them in a few pics from a Happy Feet premiere. He’s only about three inches taller than she. It was too cute.

FD: No! He’s mine!

SLB: She’s been dating all these tall dudes…

FD: Oh. That’s right.

SLB: And that’s not helping her when she’s photographed.

SLB: Appearing to be dwarfed as well as emaciated… not a good look.

FD: Okay, she can hook up with Elijah.

SLB: Good of you to consent. Heh.

FD: He seems to have a good head on his shoulders.

SLB: I think it’d be a great PR move for both of them.

FD: True.

SLB: (Well, her more than him, really. He doesn’t need her.)

FD: LOL. Also true. But she needs to gain weight so she doesn’t look like his toothpick.

SLB: Yeah, I concur. Anyway, to sum up: a marriage to a slightly more famous younger man; about 15 lbs.; a better bra; a decent non-animated script.

FD: Yeah, Brittany. Stay away from movies that don’t include you singing and dancing.

SLB: Right. Do musicals, Brittany. They’re your strength. Oh, and you need brunette hair at chin-length.

FD: Yes!

SLB: Because you really didn’t look that bad just last November:

We don’t know what happened between then and Sundance.

SLB: With proper treatment, I believe she could make a full career recovery.

FD: I concur. Bring back Clueless Brittany, man.

SLB: I mean, it could be argued that she’s doing okay without us, you know. She’s got that good, long King of the Hill money. That show’s gotta be in its, what, 11th, 12th season?

FD: 12th. But all the non-musical movies she does are pure crap. So stick with the song and dance, Brit.

SLB: Awesome. Next up? We’re gunning for you, Nicole Kidman.

FD: …

SLB: ?

FD: … We’re such dorks. lol

SLB: *sigh* I know.

FD: This is what we got master’s degrees for.

SLB: … It’s kind of awesome.

FD: From Sarah Lawrence.

SLB: LOL! I’m so including that on the blog.

FD: Okay.