What a Bitch: Jessica Alba

Posted by: Melissa on: February 8, 2008

• In: What a Bitch
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I have a thing against Jessicas.  They tend to be evil and obnoxious (apparently, I’m not alone in thinking this). Jessica Simpson used to be at the top of my Bitch List, but Jessica “The Calculating Bitch” Alba has since surpassed The Blonde Bimbo on my Feministdonut Bitch Scale.

Why all the vitriol, you ask? 

1. She’s a step backwards for feminism. 

“I’m in a business that’s completely driven by white males. The majority of the writers and directors are men…And even though I’m not, like, such a huge feminist, I do want to produce movies on my own that are female-driven and empowering to women. The woman’s voice really isn’t present in Hollywood.” 

I’m just not gonna go there with that oh-so typical “I’m not a feminist, BUT…” comment, so let’s take a look at the rest of that statement.  This is coming from the same girl who said of her last film, Good Luck Chuck: 

It’s porn. There were all these actresses who got conned into being completely naked. Some were strippers, probably. But every day when I was done, I ran away. I was like, “Bye”. As long as they didn’t disrespect me, I could give a rat’s butt. 

That’s great, Jess.  1) you’re admittedly making porn, even though you’re a “serious actress” with high standards, and 2) you just referred to the naked women as “probably strippers” in a decidedly disrespectful way. 

Plus, I think you need to have some actual good, non-sexual movies under your belt before you can have the pull to start the “female empowerment” thing. 

2. She’s a talentless hypocrite who rides on being “not that innocent.” 

Honey, there’s only one gal who can completely pull off being America’s sweetheart while acting like a little sexpot on the side, and that’s Britney Spears (pre-K Fed and bipolar meltdown, naturally).  And you ain’t Brit Brit. 

“I’m going to have to face that when a big director who I really respect has an amazing story, it might be necessary to do a nude scene.  But I probably couldn’t sleep well at night being naked in anything.  My father would lose his mind.”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.  That’s why you played a stripper in that horrendously sexist Sin City, and then followed it up with pictures like this in Esquire?:

 

And what the hell is up with shots like these?  All she knows is the cliché masturbatory open-legged pose with her hand making a beeline towards her vagina:

  

“Mmm, I’m pulling down my bikini.  You’re making me hot.”

 

“Growwwwl.  Care to watch?” 

Like…EW.  Don’t go fucking talk about wanting to be seen as a serious actress when all you do is choose shitty movies (The Eye?  Really?) and grotesque sex poses. 

3. She’s riding off the Hot Latina thing even though she’s “less Latin than Cameron Diaz.” 

Bitch rejects any Latina associations, even though she’s clearly riding the Hot Latina wave.  I’m a Coconut Latina myself from time to time, but even I was offended as fuck on this one.  Let’s just take a look at some of her identity-hatred: 

“I’ve got cousins galore. Mexicans just spread all their seeds. And the women just pop them out.” 

Great.  Thanks for perpetuating the stereotype, especially amidst the current anti-immigrant fervor that paints Mexican women as Anchor-Baby Breeders.  What a bitch.

“My grandfather was the only Mexican at his college, the only Hispanic person at work and the only one at the all-white country club. He tried to forget his Mexican roots, because he never wanted his kids to be made to feel different in America. He and my grandmother didn’t speak Spanish to their children. Now, as a third-generation American, I feel as if I have finally cut loose.”

Cut loose?  As in, say stupid shit in interviews while being one of those brown people who thinks she looks good as a blonde? 

“I mean, I had a very American upbringing, I feel American, and I don’t speak Spanish. So, to say that I’m a Latin actress, OK, but it’s not fitting; it would be insincere. If you’re going to look genetically, I’m actually less Latin than Cameron Diaz, whose father is from Cuba.” 

Pendeja, say what?!  Did you really just go there and bring up the scale of racial purity? Ugh!

I could probably go on and on about why White Girl here was so fit to be the inaugural bitch for this column (believe me, there’s more), but I think I’ve made my case, no?  Tune in next week.  (Note to J-Lo: the fact that you’re carrying Skeletor’s spawn does not exempt you from my Bitch Watch.)

Tags: Cameron Diaz, coconut, feminism, Jessica Alba, Latina, vagina