Scarlett Johansson sucks.  Period.  This magazine cover right here?  This more or less proves it.

Putting aside the awful hair and alienesque pose that makes her look like a female Thom Yorke (and the fact that she spells her name with two Ts), the “My Five Dads” bullshit just kills it.

I imagine this is what her five “dads” think about all this:

Dad #1: Tom Waits

“Thanks a bundle for killing my music.”  (see below)

Dad #2: Bill Murray

*whispers into her ear*

“I’m not your dad.  We simply starred in an overrated movie together, that’s all.”

Dad #3: Woody Allen

“If I do adopt you, will you marry me?”

(Disclaimer: I actually do adore Woody.  But with his recent obsession with her–calling her his muse, gag–there is no fucking way that is a paternalistic relationship.)

Dad #4: Bob Dylan

“What the fuck??  Do I know you??”

Dad #5: Barack Obama

“Not now, kid.  I’ve got enough bullshit to deal with.”