Sisterhood of the Useless Degrees

Celebrity Career Diagnosis: Christina Ricci

Posted on: January 30, 2008


SLB: Okay. What happened to Christina Ricci? She was so cute in Mermaids!

Feministdonut: And awesome in The Addams Family.

SLB: And let the records show that her hair back then was almost blonde… not this jet black monstrosity of a hair hue she’s been rockin’ for the last decade. She’s not Wednesday! Or, Winona Ryder…

Now, I don’t want to touch on Christina’s weight…

FD: I do.

SLB: LOL. Awesome.

FD: I hate that she’s anorexic!

SLB: Yeah. Who doesn’t hate that? What’s not to hate? It’s tragic, really.

FD: If she’s gonna rock the post-goth look, she could at least rock a real weight as well.

SLB: I found that men took it especially hard, because it reduced the breadth of her cleavage.

FD: Oooooooof course men hated that. She did have impressive cleavage, though.

SLB: As an aside: please let’s retire the term “post-goth.” … and really, any term with “post-” in front of it.

FD: *nods* I agree.

SLB: Anyway… Christina has a kind of grizzly smile now, doesn’t she? As an adult?


FD: She looks like she’s in pain when she smiles. It’s really not becoming.

SLB: That’s something that’s been creeping me out about Christina Ricci for years now, the grizzliness of her grin. Maybe she should only do closed-mouth smiling?

FD: It worked when she was Wednesday, but when she’s not an Addams family member, that’s really not necessary.

SLB: I agree.

FD: Did you see Pumpkin?

SLB: We saw Pumpkin … but then you changed channels before I got to see how it turned out.

FD: …Oh yeah! Heh.

SLB: You’d already seen it. I was like, “No fair!”

FD: Yeah, it’s a bad movie.

SLB: That was such a bad career choice. Like, I can’t believe she read that script and said, “Why, yes. Yes, I will do this.”

FD: But I think her smile was working in there. Sort of. And she was showing teeth.

SLB: I think she needs to deepen her voice. The grizzly smile, jet black hair, and pale skin, paired with that high-pitched voice she often affects? Not cool.

FD: Definitely.

SLB: If anything, that’s the thing she should’ve taken away from Wednesday. Voice depth.

FD: Definitely. She needs to stay away from these wannabe-quirky roles that suck.

She always tries to play some tormented teen or something, and it’s awful. Pumpkin? Prozac Nation?! Those movies should never have been made. And don’t even get me started on Black Snake Moan. I’m not watching that. Ever. …Wait. Is that the name of that movie? I always get it confused with the PJ Harvey song, “Long Snake Moan.” Which kicks ass, btw.

SLB: I’m never watching Black Snake Moan, either. It’s from the makers of Hustle & Flow. Nuff said. That aside, Christina was great on that episode of Grey’s. The one where that dude exploded?

FD: Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that!

SLB: She was nominated for an Emmy for that, deservedly. She didn’t win, of course. But that was the best acting I’d seen her do in a while.

FD: Yeah.

SLB: So instead of her being all… quasi-quirky, she should skew a little more toward normal. It’d be novel for her.

FD: She needs to stay away from sexed up roles.

SLB: Definitely. That bobblehead look never sells sex.

FD: LOL! Right? Because this:

What was she thinking?

SLB: Oh, gosh. She was thinking, “I’m high on acid.”


SLB: … obviously.

FD: Obviously.

SLB: I’m still waiting on Penelope, but it must suck b/c they keep pushing it back.

FD: Me too. It never played here! And this is NY!

SLB: At this rate, James is more famous than she is. When they filmed it, it was the other way around.

FD: Which is how it should be, all things considered.

SLB: And Speed Racer? Sigh. Don’t get me started on Speed Racer. She’s in that with your boy, you know.

FD: What are you talking about? If it’s bad, break it gently. And which boy? I have many.

SLB: Speed Racer. With Emile Hirsch?

FD: Oh, that. Ugh.

SLB: I know you’re not in love with him or anything, but you keep heralding him for Into the Wild.

FD: No, I don’t like him. His name is Emile. But he was fabulous in that pretentious Into the Wild movie. I’ll give him that.

SLB: Back to Christina: it’s pretty obvious Speed Racer isn’t gonna help her much. Can she recover?

FD: I don’t know, man.

SLB: I know, right? It’s not looking good.

FD: She had the quirk market cornered as a kid, but she’s screwing it up as an adult. And she needs to gain her weight back.

SLB: But it’s not like she pulled a Natasha Lyonne. Until she starts biting dogs…there’s hope.

FD: Wait. Is this really her in Italian Vogue?


Because I can dig that.

It is her!

SLB: Dude. Problem solved. Christina, if you wanna save your career? Move to Italy.

FD: LOL! Bingo!

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