Sisterhood of the Useless Degrees

What a Bitch: Jessica Alba

Posted on: February 8, 2008

I have a thing against Jessicas.  They tend to be evil and obnoxious (apparently, I’m not alone in thinking this). Jessica Simpson used to be at the top of my Bitch List, but Jessica “The Calculating Bitch” Alba has since surpassed The Blonde Bimbo on my Feministdonut Bitch Scale.

Why all the vitriol, you ask? 

1. She’s a step backwards for feminism. 

“I’m in a business that’s completely driven by white males. The majority of the writers and directors are men…And even though I’m not, like, such a huge feminist, I do want to produce movies on my own that are female-driven and empowering to women. The woman’s voice really isn’t present in Hollywood.” 

I’m just not gonna go there with that oh-so typical “I’m not a feminist, BUT…” comment, so let’s take a look at the rest of that statement.  This is coming from the same girl who said of her last film, Good Luck Chuck: 

It’s porn. There were all these actresses who got conned into being completely naked. Some were strippers, probably. But every day when I was done, I ran away. I was like, “Bye”. As long as they didn’t disrespect me, I could give a rat’s butt. 

That’s great, Jess.  1) you’re admittedly making porn, even though you’re a “serious actress” with high standards, and 2) you just referred to the naked women as “probably strippers” in a decidedly disrespectful way. 

Plus, I think you need to have some actual good, non-sexual movies under your belt before you can have the pull to start the “female empowerment” thing. 

2. She’s a talentless hypocrite who rides on being “not that innocent.” 

Honey, there’s only one gal who can completely pull off being America’s sweetheart while acting like a little sexpot on the side, and that’s Britney Spears (pre-K Fed and bipolar meltdown, naturally).  And you ain’t Brit Brit. 

“I’m going to have to face that when a big director who I really respect has an amazing story, it might be necessary to do a nude scene.  But I probably couldn’t sleep well at night being naked in anything.  My father would lose his mind.”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.  That’s why you played a stripper in that horrendously sexist Sin City, and then followed it up with pictures like this in Esquire?:


And what the hell is up with shots like these?  All she knows is the cliché masturbatory open-legged pose with her hand making a beeline towards her vagina:


“Mmm, I’m pulling down my bikini.  You’re making me hot.”


“Growwwwl.  Care to watch?” 

Like…EW.  Don’t go fucking talk about wanting to be seen as a serious actress when all you do is choose shitty movies (The Eye?  Really?) and grotesque sex poses. 

3. She’s riding off the Hot Latina thing even though she’s “less Latin than Cameron Diaz.” 

Bitch rejects any Latina associations, even though she’s clearly riding the Hot Latina wave.  I’m a Coconut Latina myself from time to time, but even I was offended as fuck on this one.  Let’s just take a look at some of her identity-hatred: 

“I’ve got cousins galore. Mexicans just spread all their seeds. And the women just pop them out.” 

Great.  Thanks for perpetuating the stereotype, especially amidst the current anti-immigrant fervor that paints Mexican women as Anchor-Baby Breeders.  What a bitch.

“My grandfather was the only Mexican at his college, the only Hispanic person at work and the only one at the all-white country club. He tried to forget his Mexican roots, because he never wanted his kids to be made to feel different in America. He and my grandmother didn’t speak Spanish to their children. Now, as a third-generation American, I feel as if I have finally cut loose.”

Cut loose?  As in, say stupid shit in interviews while being one of those brown people who thinks she looks good as a blonde? 

“I mean, I had a very American upbringing, I feel American, and I don’t speak Spanish. So, to say that I’m a Latin actress, OK, but it’s not fitting; it would be insincere. If you’re going to look genetically, I’m actually less Latin than Cameron Diaz, whose father is from Cuba.” 

Pendeja, say what?!  Did you really just go there and bring up the scale of racial purity? Ugh!

I could probably go on and on about why White Girl here was so fit to be the inaugural bitch for this column (believe me, there’s more), but I think I’ve made my case, no?  Tune in next week.  (Note to J-Lo: the fact that you’re carrying Skeletor’s spawn does not exempt you from my Bitch Watch.)

4 Responses to "What a Bitch: Jessica Alba"

Nice. I had no idea she was running around spewing all *these* idiotic quotes. I just thought you mainly hated her b/c her name was Jessica. lol

Worked on the movie Into the Blue, also provided all scuba gear for the movie. Paul Walker, Josh Brolin were sweethearts. Not so with Jessica, her sister was there as her “assistant” and she treated her like crap. She would come out of the water after 20 min swearing “I,ll never fucking do that again” and go to the top deck and insist that any of the stunt divers get out of the hot tub so she could have it to herself. The stunt divers had been in the water for hours and the hot tub was there to warm them up before the next filming. I knew one of the stunt divers very well, having sponsored her for a world free diving record two years before. She was sick of Jessica’s attitude.
Then she gets on the tonight show and says how she “loves” diving and how she has been doing it since she was thirteen.

Jessica doesn’t have a sister, she has a brother. So, maybe it was another family member? I totally believe it though, because there have been stories like this for years about her treating cast, crew, fans and locals like shit. So your experience doesn’t surprise me, especially considering how she treated Paul Walker while he was alive.

In an MTV interview prior to Into The Blue’s release in 2005, she said she had a wonderful experience filming the movie and that it was the easiest experience she had playing someone’s on-screen girlfriend. Then after the movie bombs, she throws him under the bus in May 2007 and blames the movie’s failure solely on his shoulders claiming it wasn’t her movie and she was in barely any scenes, saying “It was Paul Walker’s movie.” As if that wasn’t enough, she turns around less than a year later in January 2008 and bitches about how much he got paid for the movie, saying “Paul was the lead, Paul helped develop it. You wouldn’t believe how much that kid got paid! And I don’t think he did one ounce of publicity.” That ‘kid’ was 7 1/2 years older than you, Jessica. Bitch. Meanwhile, Paul had nothing but nice things to say about her.

Then all of a sudden after his death, she’s talking to GQ UK, saying all these nice things about him as if they were actually close. Why? Because she had a movie to promote, plain and simple. She used his death for publicity. I think Paul knew what Jessica was like, too. Because in a Teen Hollywood interview to promote the movie in September 2005, even though he called her ‘beautiful’ and said he liked that she was feisty, it was after he had said something else He remarked that the first time he met her for a film they were supposed to do together prior to Into The Blue that fell apart, they were fighting and bickering right away. They did not get along.

And in his Complex February/March 2006 interview, Paul called Jessica annoying and a ‘pain in the ass,’ saying she would say one thing and mean another. The press tried to use the positive comments he made afterwards about how he liked that about her to make it seem like they got along. But, it was clear he was only saying it to be a professional. It almost seemed like an afterthought and the whole interview came off like him thinking she was just a hot piece of ass and that’s it.

In a Fast Five interview in 2011 in Rio, he said he’d learned not to name drop people he hadn’t had pleasant working experiences with over the years. And Paul never talked about Jessica again after that Complex interview. He always had such glowing things to say about his female costars, except her. His comments about her never even compared to how he talked about the rest of his female costars. She’s a real piece of work.

i was a big abla fan this comments have changed my mind

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