Sisterhood of the Useless Degrees

Welcome to the Tool Shed, David Duchovny.

Posted on: February 13, 2008

slb: Okay. Why do we hate David Duchovny? 

FeministDonut: Because of his face. 


slb: I thought his face, too!  That’s sick. 


slb: Oh, and he and Tea Leoni…It’s like combustible ball of obnoxiousness.  Or something. 

FD: Tell me about it!  Look at that!  They’re both tools!

slb: I can’t stand them as a couple. 

FD: Me either. 

slb: And yet they persist in staying married. 

I think my hate for him dates back to Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. 

FD: I don’t know why I hate him. 

slb: Me either.  I just do. 

FD: I’m thinking The X Files, which I never watched.

slb: Nor I.  I mean, why would we?  They never smiled on the commercials.  Ever.  It was like… what are they, robots?  No wait… aliens? 

FD: Aliens.  And chupacabras. That was soooooo stupid. And that damned theme song. Ew. 

slb: Well, have the aliens invaded their faces?  I mean…freaking X Files. Wait.  What the hell are chupacabras? 

FD: LOL.  It’s a Mexican thing.  Like Bigfoot, but scarier (and way smaller). Or something. 

You’re gonna think I’m a total loser, but when we were living in our old apartment, one night I was alone, and all of a sudden I heard like all this crazy running noise around the apartment and like right near my window, and I was all asleep.  But seriously, the first thought that popped into my head was that it was the chupacabra.  Soooooo stupid.  (I probably shouldn’t be spreading this around!) 

slb: LOL! The chupacabra would’ve been right at home at that apartment.  It could’ve survived for years on the dead bugs and dog fur embedded in that carpet. 

FD: LOL, with all those other weird creatures? 

slb: Yes. All those other weird creatures. 

FD: Remember those creepy crawlies that were completely foreign and scared us? They should’ve been on X-Files. 

slb: The ones that were the size of thumbs? 

FD: Yeah. 

slb: Totally.  Anyway, back to Duchovny. Okay, you know what?  We just hate him. 

Remember that bad movie with Minnie Driver?  That’s part of it. 

FD: Yes. That movie sucked.  

slb: Didn’t he like… donate his heart to her or something? 

FD: Yeah.  My aunt bought that movie.  I don’t know why. 

slb: Hahahaa….We will never be able to figure out the bad filmic tastes of our ancestors. 

Also: um… House of D?  I mean, this is totally unfair because I haven’t seen any of his films.  Everything he’s involved with just seems pretentious and awful. I know I’m prejudiced.  I can’t help it.  I get to the trailer and I totally judge him. The words, “What a tool.” come out of my mouth like every time. Without fail. 

FD: Yeah, I judge the D trailer too.  It’s too retarded. He also defiled the little girl from The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.  Of course, she’s an adult now.  But still. 

slb: Oh, yeah. I mean… we don’t even need to go any further into Californication than that.  Yeah, she’s an adult… but just barely.  Meanwhile, he’s like…over forty.  We don’t even know which Zima sister she was, do we? 

FD: No, but…it’s so gross!  He californicated with a little 18 year old. 

slb: LOL!  You’re sick, feministdonut. 

FD: LOL, well it’s true!  His stupid pinched face.  Stupid bad acting.  Did you see Trust the Man? 

slb: Why would I go and do that? 

FD: He’s a tool (I kinda liked the parts of the movie without him, though.) 

slb: Dude.  If he’s on the DVD cover, I avoid it like the plague. That is my rule of thumb re: David Duchovny. 

FD: Haaaaa!  Usually me too, but I like Maggie, remember?  I sat through World Trade Center for Maggie. heh. 

slb: Yeah, I don’t get that.  Don’t forget what I told you about her. 

FD: …I forgot?

slb: … as it relates to Sarsgaard and domestic violence.  lol 


slb: … I’m just sayin’. 

FD: Oh yeah, that.  You’re funny. 

slb: He could come to the tool shed…But I think that nervous breakdown in Jarhead exempts him forever. 

FD: Yeah, that ruled.  I like Pete. 

slb: Yeah. He’s okay.  Until we find out he’s hitting Maggie.  Watch. 

FD: LOL!  Yeah, then he’ll be in the tool shed, I tell you what.  Forever. 

slb: Totally. 

6 Responses to "Welcome to the Tool Shed, David Duchovny."

Wow! Now i’ve heard it all. What a reason to dislike a couple

You’ve never seen his movies, but they’re all pretentious. I see where you’re coming from. The very bottom of the learning curve. To enjoy David Duchovny’s work, you should possess some modicum of smarts. This entry proves you’re both quite lacking. Back to Hannah Montana for both of you.

For the record, Hannah Montana is “Little Nepotizz” in my book.

*strokes beard* Oh! We should start a Little Nepotizz section here, too!

What is the real reason you dislike Duchovny and his wife? I think he is a teriffic actor and a really nice person. Met him several times and was very impressed. What a nice down to earth guy he is. As far as talent he has it in spades. Love his new show and was happy that he received a Golden Globe for best actor.

Sigh. Okay. I’m gonna admit it. I like him. I got hooked on the X-files because I’m an insomniac and it was that or Time Life music informercials. The next thing you know I had totally bought in to the whole Mulder/Sculley thing–they did smile sometimes, even laugh–and I watched even when the show got ridiculous. By then it was too late for me.

Don’t hate me. I was weak.

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