Sisterhood of the Useless Degrees

What a Bitch: Scarlett Johansson

Posted on: May 8, 2008

Scarlett Johansson sucks.  Period.  This magazine cover right here?  This more or less proves it.

scarlett johansson paste magazine cover

Putting aside the awful hair and alienesque pose that makes her look like a female Thom Yorke (and the fact that she spells her name with two Ts), the “My Five Dads” bullshit just kills it.

I imagine this is what her five “dads” think about all this:

Dad #1: Tom Waits

“Thanks a bundle for killing my music.”  (see below)

Dad #2: Bill Murray

*whispers into her ear*

“I’m not your dad.  We simply starred in an overrated movie together, that’s all.”

Dad #3: Woody Allen

“If I do adopt you, will you marry me?”

(Disclaimer: I actually do adore Woody.  But with his recent obsession with her–calling her his muse, gag–there is no fucking way that is a paternalistic relationship.)

Dad #4: Bob Dylan

“What the fuck??  Do I know you??”

Dad #5: Barack Obama

“Not now, kid.  I’ve got enough bullshit to deal with.”

2 Responses to "What a Bitch: Scarlett Johansson"

lol yeaaah she sucks and she can’t sing. Period.

She doesn’t suck, per se. I just don’t get what the big deal is regarding her as an actress. Her acting makes her seem like the most boring person on the planet. She’s either passive agressively snapping at someone (in films) or trying too hard to look serious and deep and thought by staring. Her music is not my thing but I know some people who like it. I wish she would have more personality acting though, and stop trying to appear like an important intellectual in interviews. Not that her interviews contain riveting info anyway.

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