Sisterhood of the Useless Degrees

Celebrity Career Diagnosis: Winona Ryder

Posted on: April 3, 2009

Because a Celebrity Career Diagnosis was long, long overdue, feministdonut and I teamed up to take on one of all-time favorite nearly 40-year-old actresses whose development seems tragically arrested at post-adolescence.

feministdonut: Winona…Whatever happened to her?

slb: Kleptomania.

fd: lol

slb: Is she ever gonna look old enough to start playing moms? Because that’s the only way I can see her getting hired these days. She’s over forty, isn’t she?

fd: That’s very true. Wait… she’s over 40??? Maybe she’s still late 30s….

slb: I’m looking it up. She’ll be 38 in october. I thought she was Johnny Depp’s age.

fd: Wow.

slb: … or Keanu’s age or something. Didn’t they all come out around the same time?

fd: That’s incredibly depressing that she’s 10 years older than me.

slb: I wonder if it’s even accurate that she was born in ’71…. IMDB is shady.

fd: Word.

slb: Anyway, while I’m here, I’m perusing her filmography. She has three films in the works, one of which should greatly (dis)please you. She’s in the “new” Star Trek.

fd: Sigh. Actually, I don’t know how I feel about that. I can totally see her as a Vulcan.

slb: Who is “Amanda Grayson?”

fd: *shrug*  Damned if i know.

slb: That’s who she’s playing.

fd: I’m not down with this new Trek. At all. Damn that Jaybrahms.

slb: She’s also in something called Stay Cool, where she plays the “old flame” of a dude who looks to be roughly… fifty years old? And she has to compete for his attention with Hilary Duff.

fd: Now that’s just sad. (But I’ll be seeing it, because you know how I love my bad Hilary Duff movies.)

slb: Oh, wait. The guy in this flick is Mark Polish. He’s actually just a year old than she is.

fd: She already did an old man movie. With our man, Richard Gere…. Oh. A year older? Okay, then. That’s better.

slb: And he’s cute, too. Well, to me. So, you know. Score one in the win category for Wino.

fd: She needs to play a mom or a really hot lesbian drug addict. Like Ally Sheedy in High Art.  I kind of love Ally Sheedy after that movie.

slb: Lesbian! Yes. But not drug addict. She can’t pull that off. She should play a hot cat burglar.

fd:  Yeah, I’m inclined to agree.

slb: She should play a hot cat burglar. Or a klepto…

fd: LOL

slb: … with a flat affect like Gwyneth–and she should star opposite Clive Owen, because he lives for that kind of thing. He should wear glasses in the film, and she should wear crimson lipstick. At all times.

fd: What good is Clive if she can’t jump his bones? She’s a lesbian, remember? She should play the new Batwoman, who, apparently, is a lesbian.

slb: Ugh. I actually don’t need to see him sleep with anyone else after he grossed me out in that lactating stripper movie.

fd: God, don’t remind me of that disgusting crap. I’m also mad at Paul Giamatti for participating in that.

slb: Meanwhile, get outta here. There’s a Batwoman, for real? And she’s a lesbian? She’d be perfect for that. Although… I think we’re forgetting the elephant in the room here. (She can’t really act. At all.)

fd: lol. True.

slb: (Love you, Wino. But still.)

fd: But you know, if George could be Batman, Winona could be Batwoman.

slb: Whatever she plays, it has to be angsty and overwrought in that way she’s comfortable with, and it can’t be anything else.  Because that movie where Angelina won the Oscar, even though Wino was the star?  That was a bad movie.

fd: Yeah.  And I didn’t think Angie deserved that Oscar, either, truth be told.

slb: If anyone should’ve had an oscar, it should’ve been our girl Brittany Murphy.  Didn’t she hang herself?

fd: Yup.

slb: Weren’t there baked chicken carcasses involved?

FD: Yup. Hidden under her bed.

slb: She is so disturbed.  I love it.

fd: Yeah. She’s Luanne, so I’ll always love her for that.

slb: If Winona could play that disturbed, she might have a comeback in her. Ithink maybe she could go reality TV.
A reality show about theft…or a HBO show. About sex. And theft.

fd: LOL!  I’m thinking HBO.  It’s a little more high brow than FOX, you know?

slb: Yes. Yes, i know. I mean, I feel like this: If Eliza Dushku can have her own show?  Winona can totally have one.

fd: Lol, very good point.  But you know, Winona’s Winona. I’m convinced she has a comeback left in her.

slb: I’m not entirely sold, but i’d give her a shot if she were ever to turn up in something that didn’t promise to be crappy and actually got a wide release.

fd: Yeah.  Okay, so lesbian Batwoman would give her wide release and guarantee the comic book crowd.  She should also do a movie starring opposite someone hot.

slb: Hmm. Hot…hot.

fd: lol

slb: I’m at a loss here…lol. Hot as in popular, or hot as in good-looking?

fd: Both, preferably. lol

slb: Heh. Okay, then.

fd: If she did a movie with Brad, she’d get an audience.  The movie would suck, but she’d have an audience.

slb: But Brad sucks, and she wouldn’t have chemistry with him.  The thing is?  She never has chemistry with her male costars. Has she ever had a hit movie? Besides Heathers?

fd: She had chemistry with Edward Scissorhands.  But that was then.  This is now.  She needs to be a lesbian, I’m telling you.

slb: Oh, yeah.  She should reunite with Johnny. Do you have any idea how many people would show up for that? Just to see if they’ve still got it?

fd: Yeah, I know I would.  Also?  She should not do any movies containing Hilary Duff.

slb: At least onscreen. I think that goes without saying.

fd: LOL! Yeah. Anyway, as much as I love Hil’s bad movies?  They always suck hard.

slb: That’s because she’s one of the worst actresses of all time.

fd: Heh. That was way harsh, Tai.  The bad screenplays they give her don’t help Hil’s situation, okay?  But back to Wino Forever…

slb: I wonder if they’re on speaking terms?  I bet they’re not.  When you get someone’s name lasered off your arm, y’all don’t really speak afterward.

fd: True.  Okay, so…Tim Burton will theoretically offer her a role in his and Johnny’s next pic.  And then it’ll happen. lol

slb: We should just stop.  Winona’s case is kind of incurable.  Or terminal. Because after the infamous reunion with Johnny, there’ll be nowhere else to go. That is her ceiling.

fd: Lol, yeah.

slb: Tim Burton is, like, her only friend at this point.  She should go to him.  And grovel.

fd: Yup. Case closed.

2 Responses to "Celebrity Career Diagnosis: Winona Ryder"

did she really have kleptomania??

wow she screwed up big time in stealing got arrested 4 times ad all that.

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